Initializing · Content · Entry, · Subtext · Analysis.

Of course. There's only six of you.

Rethinking where I am in this world. There's constant shifts, changes that have happened before I even had a chance to open my eyes to it. I've become a better person, over all (I would like to think). Perhaps a little more distant at first. It is tiring.. opening up, raw and unaltered, to someone; for them to scoff at you, toss a lit match into the center of your being, and laugh while it all burns down. Is there anyone that I can just be myself around, that will not judge? (now isn't THAT the eternal question)

Friends come, friends go. People I thought I would never, ever separate from; I have- while those I wouldn't have thought friendship possible? Wonderful things are blossoming. Went to Portland last weekend. Decided that even if I could not make the nolongerhuman show on Tuesday, that I would still visit with everyone. It was a rocket-ship fast ride up to Oregon. I have determined that Oregon is beautiful. The air is clean, there is little to no smog. The people are nice? Strangely. The speed signs are THIS BIG TO MAKE SURE YOU SEE THEM. And above all, everyone I spent time with, are great. Maddi [still] cracks me up, Jess is a sweetheart. Rob was very nice and considerate the whole time :) Clint? Him and I have more in common than I was willing to admit. Cripes. Spent some time at Alter Ation Nation, which is a kickass store. A littel bit of everything. They have a small record store inside of it (Corrosion Records), with a better selection of albums than just about all the stores in Sac. I have yet to find a place with more selection than Amoeba, but you never know. Geiger (one of the owners) was nice for the 2.5 seconds I talked to him. Ended up helping Rob move some of his stuff from his parent's house, to his new place. The new place is in downtown Oregon City, part of the historical buildings. It has great energy. His new roommate has lovely taste. Met his mom, mom's husband (?), and daughter Trinity. She is a very well mannered kid- and about the only one of her age that I have heard use the word "beautiful". Rob showed me the falls in Oregon City- I WANT TO TAKE PHOTOS OF THEM. Alas, there was only the crap digital camera- which I forgot about anyways. We made a collective trip to Jess' ex boyfriend's house to attempt to retrieve her snake peacefully. Which, of course, failed. One step in many. Also went to see Terminator Salvation- which wasn't bad, but didn't make my list of movies to sell my soul for. The rest of the trip was mostly spent hanging out at Clint's- talking, drinking, etc. I haven't felt this comfortable around people I hardly know in years. One of those quiet acknowledgements that hit you so deep your chest hurts.

I know that I want love, someday. Real love, does it exist? A love that isn't mostly one-sided?

The world may never know.  XD

Spent the night after returning to California with Kari and Jos, watching their apartment building burn.
The guy who set fire to his apartment? There was a fire extinguisher by his door. He was spraying waterproofing by not only OPEN FLAME, but his water heater. This is the result of cuts in education, folks. Do we want to shave programs off of schools? No! We will have a nation of idiots, like this man.

Too late.

Ther were cuts made to Golden 1. 401k, split in half, suspended contribution. Shift differential, gone. And 25 layoffs. It's just the beginning.

Inertia creeps..

"HEY, watch the levels you're putting on that thing or you'll cook us all!" An olive drab officer smacked Rigel upside the head, almost knocking the plasma weapon out of his grasp. Rigel fumbled, grabbing his treasured project by the butt and barrel. If it weren't for the thick gloves on his hands, there wouldn't be any at the end of his arms. A soft orange glow emitted from the end of the barrel, and Rigel let out a sigh of relief. It wouldn't be the first project ruined before his dream of completion.

"Yessir," he grumbled, brows furrowed in apparent annoyance.

(to be continued. Break over.)

Hair shall be reborn as red, once more.
Pitfalls, gravity pockets, and general self confidence issues. Thanks Jose for keeping me upbeat :)
Whirlwind of a weekend. Mostly didn't get what I needed to done, but what's new? Picked up mother from train station, so no bujinkan this week :[ Had drinks, went to Brenna's sixth birthday party. Drank some more. Caught up with many, many people I haven't seen in at least three to four years. Went out to dinner with Angie, drank some more. Then drove home to arrive, play flute, drink until exhaustion settled in.
Today! Cleaned until my fingerprints (just about literally) burned off. Did a smidge of homework, then out to dinner with Adam and Ashley. Generally got caught up on the progress with the album and where it's going from here. Excited, tremendously.
Then to steal Jos from her fuzzy-cow-kitten. We drove around, made with the crazy at Walgreens (Ma'ams? Uh, ma'ams.. please don't.. oh, okay then.) came back to the house, and drank. (SURPRISE!)
Wrote a little poem. Somewhat. It's a rough copy.

Masses

Hello, are you there
Fractal of human emotion
Dim flickering hope
Laying in pieces on the floor
can you hear me?
Self decimating existance
Pure abhorrence of spirit
Why must you follow,

Follow Me?

Searing words
to enshroud like worms
Into every nook and cranny
Screaming to be seen
As the naked eye remains-
oblivious.

March on
Unperceived by the world
The danger for which it is
Precarious, be

Why must you follow me?
(follow me)

... (/end)
I am fascinated by the microcosm/macrocosm relationship.

Been quite reflective lately.
Lisa: You aren't a mirror!
Turning everything over in my mind. What's happened, where it's going. And where am I?
Still struggling to keep on top of school things.
Trying not to care- about anything, anymore. It's just too painful. Look where it got me? Seven thousand dollars of debt and a broken heart. Yeah, that's appealing.
Art competition in a week. Couldn't enter the scholarship viewing because it was mandatory to pick up the art during hours I'm at work.
Went to the Funker Vogt and nolongerhuman show. IT.
WAS.
ORGASMIC O_>
Sperm in your eye.
Seriously, beyond awesome.
Both of the bands were really nice- Clint cracked me up. Mandy? I think is the chick's name that was helping with NLH's merch, was pretty great. During their act the drummer (rob) threw one of his drumsticks into the crowd and I caught it. He took it and signed it. Funker Vogt came back on for about a four song encore (yaaaaay :D) They sound the same live as they do on their albums, which is a relief considering how much of a crapshoot Combichrist was (from the live pics you would have expected more. uck.).
Ashley, Adam and I (keyz was sleepin) had a pretty deep conversation on the way back about the theories of 2012 and how the moon has turned on its side, and a bunch of personal drama crap. They really are amazing friends. It's hard to believe that I've known them as long as I have.
\\\

Yup.

Do I have one? ..mmmno. But there was a commercial about it on the big band station I was listening to.
Please wear goggles when handling hazardous materials.
. Including your job.
We've officially been informed that some of us may go by the wayside in the credit union's attempts to stay afloat.
Gr-eat.

In the meeting, we were asked to take a picture of the thing that motivates us and hang it in the cubicle as a reminder. Considering my motivation was unceremoniously ripped out of my life, it's hard to consider something like that.

Barely staying afloat, dealing with constant drama left and right. The efforts that I've made to resolve debt issues over the last couple years may be worth NOTHING in about a month.
 

Harrassment is constant.

Had to beg to keep two of my classes.

I guess it's nice to have a little distraction. Finally getting back into the swing of writing, and my photos are taking off much more than they were before. I'm a tad nervous about the end result of my portfolio this semester, everyone's made a point of saying how much they expect. I can't even keep to my own expectations, let alone someone else's.

Oh. And I have extended tissue damage in my arm that may take MUCH longer to heal. Fantastic. I also have a higher chance of arthritis, whatever. I've been told with the stress levels and other genetic factors in my life (risk of cancer, etc) that I'll be lucky to see 65. Fuck that anyways.

 

There was a cappuccino mix at a store in Louisiana that was titled the Obamaccino.
God save us from caffeine.

Totally forgot that the 2012 blog existed. It's neato.
2012 Blog


And that movie looks kickass.

School's all right so far. The english teacher ranted at us for about an hour about himself, and THAT was boring.
He interned with Swarzenegger. Whoopie.

The essays look all right. They mention a lot about cyberspace and the like.
Finally found some inspiration to continue writing Induced.

Anyone know where I can get a cheap copy of Microsoft Office?

/I might have a place.
It's a Victorian house on F street. It's adorable on the inside but the bedroom has no door and there's no bathtub, only a shower.
I guess I can live with that. The house has amazing energy.

And my spell check on here sucks.
It keeps highlighting the correctly spelled words.
Good job, computer.

Like a woofle. But better.
At Cyber Java!
Cyber Java is my best friend ever.
The holidays weren't bad, did some catching up with friends.
Jack got into a car wreck :/ it sucked.
Johnathan and Lisa are moving back to NC in a couple days (sniffle)
And I'm leaving for Louisiana in just over three days!
Excitement.

Not sure what's going on New Year's, but we'll see. Maybe I'll finally emerge from the social coma.

Speaking of comas... Chi got pissed at people for not visiting him during the holidays- and hence~! Unfortunate things happened. Coincidence? Nah.

xP~

I am writing a book for the first time in years. o.o

Suspense novel here I come... I have five pages. Part of which was my last post.

Pip pip.

Chip in head overloaded and can't quite think about much else.
School starts soon. 

It was with true and utter loathing that I let go of the dainty little thing, for it to fall upon the ground with a sickening crack. Spiderweb fractures laced the outer shell of the glass to reflect the chaos contained within. The cube lay on its side, sad and forlorn, a testament to its purpose. About two inches on a side, it was a clear glass frame with a mirrored inner cube; used to invoke premonitions for some. In this case, it brought back brutal and vivid memories, each more profound than the last. Candle flame danced and swayed upon its woven base, entranced by the light breeze that tiptoed its way into the small, dimly lit room.

There wasn't a word to be spared on this bittersweet scenario.

.//

Taking aside a brief moment for shallow breathing, I returned to the scaeptor no longer in hand. For that is what it was named; and what it has proven to be. A beacon, a guiding light into the intertwined, grotesque visions of a desecrated soul. Not to be taken melodramatically, the figure kneeling before you once had a clear line of sight.

Before of course, a compound of events that had no rhyme nor reason, and still had the potency to change the path of a woman's life forever. Much akin to those trials and tribulations I'm sure you've gone through. The only true acceptance of change is made in a life-altering moment, an occurrence that shakes the foundation of one's existance. The chill that runs through the core and leaves you without breath nor sound thought. Asphyxiation of the spirit.

This chill and utter silence of the soul is what brought me here today, eying the shattered image of my visage against flickering illumination. What is it to live on the thrill of human adrenaline, an edge to the monotony? Like the erotic pulse when blood leaves the vein.

The very same.

So, that guy that traveled up Highway 1, from Germany?
He added me on myspace.
Part of the band Proceed, and played Wave Gothik Trekkan. (sp?)
That's great.
Mysterious dreams.
Such as XD... a pink futon car.
And a house party in the middle of nowhere, watching a music video of girls crawling around acting like cats, with Tyler in a flannel shirt.
...
My brain is over-stimulated, or trying to tell me something.
My car almost got towed.
Went to ARC, and have a counselor meeting next Wednesday to sign up for classes.
Applying for FAFSA and fee waivers.
First random day of the week off in a while.

Joy.

The show on Thursday was quite the doozy.
Didn't sleep for over twenty four hours.. gogogo.
Stage was too big at first, Adam's head hit the ceiling. Did light decorating, but the place was beautiful in the dark. The tour manager tried to dick around with Ash BAAAAD, and it still worked out. Got into a conversation with a really nice guy who was visiting from Germany, on vacation. He drove all the way up Highway 1, just to see what the fuss was all about. Chit chatted for a while. Snagged a patch for my man. All in all, a very worthwhile experience. [:SITD:] is amazing live. I absolutely loved it. Diego showed up totally plastered halfway through.
We're watching the Lazarus Project, and it's pretty good so far. Kind of sad though.
I don't know what it is that I'm feeling most of the time anymore. Honestly, it's probably the love that I'm feeling that's keeping me from a breakdown.. I've come close a few times. Lots of stress over the past couple of months, and now I don't even care anymore. It's all petty.

It's all meaningless.
The only things that mean anything to me are so out of reach... yet right there with me the whole time, if that makes sense at all.

Wrote a poem and actually completed it, for the first time in aaages. It's about Prop 8, which brought out a lot of hatred. Poem itself is pretty upbeat though. Maybe I'm slowly getting my edge back. I haven't been inspired to do any sort of art until I got together with Tyler. And it's thrilling.

Ash and I are planning a Yule party this year. Probably going to be December the 20th. More details on that later.

There's a company dinner thing on the 13th of December.
And I'm going to Louisiana in January, a couple weeks before my birthday.

Three cheers for weight loss!

Strange dreams lately.

<3

Lost and loving it o.O ?

Please repost, this is importaaant
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DONT MISS OUT!!!!!!!!!!
THIS Thursday,
November 6

Imperative Reaction, SAVI0R, Aesthetic Perfection, [:SITD:]

November 6th, Don't Miss Out!!!




..
..





Hosted By: Re - Wire
When: Thursday Nov 06, 2008
at 9:00 PM
Where Country Club Lanes Sky Room
2600 Watt Ave
Sacramento, California|5 95673
United States
Description:
Re - Wire

Click Here To View Event

Is the biggest piece of shit selfish political move I've ever seen. Keep your noses in your own business. Fuck.

In other news... Ultrasound next Monday.

Everyone needs to tell Pk Happy Birthday on the 31st or risk a slight case of boot-to-gonads.

There are noodles calling my name.

That's what Ty's band is called. If I'm conscious enough to spell it right.

 

Beeeeer, and friends.
It's good.
I got my bill for surgery finally.
And it's an amazing...

 

 

20 DOLLA!


Ecstatic!

I'm getting yapped at by Lisa's friend. o.o

Went on epic adventure with Pk today.
There's a Widmer Hefeweizen Oktoberfest this weekend.
Mmmmm heff.

Got organized, with an organizer and everything.

Things are getting crazy.
I miss Ty. :(

 

No oktoberfest fur mich.. too poor.
Car registration and oil changes make me super poor.
Not to mention all the utilities.
Feeling out of place, out of mind.
House of quicksand.
Apple hill juice is tasty.
Have more health issues- ultrasound the 27th
Hoping Tyler can visit soon, good stuff coming.
ZOMG GO TO SITD SHOW
And meet bitchface and his missus Lisa (she's boodles of adorable).
They have a nice apartment now.

Cards have it-
and yet I'm still floundering
to be?
to breathe..
is this real.

Breast cancer walk this weekend :)

Is a laaaaaaame dinner.
But at least edible.

I've come to the conclusion that I have sucked, royally, over the last few weeks. Depression (tendencies thereof), surgery, recovery, shattering under my own mental prowess- or lack. Apologies. Pills are the debil. But not like Devin Townsend... that's just spec fucking tacular. Speaking of which, I got woken up on the cause of Tyler taught himself Vampira. Which is hilarious. Significant other(outside normal mental bounds)  is obsessed with man in devil costume? hahahaha :P 

:Blurp:

Dad had surgery, hernia in ze pelvic parameters.

Talking in riddles.

It's harvest. YAaaaaaAAaaaay!
Sorta.

Someone talk to me. I need the mental stimulation.
...and less noodle.

I thinks the second saturday outing should continue every month, yay-nay?

*mua*

Benign tumorage!

So rare the doc hadn't the slightest how I got it. But we deducted it happened four to five years ago- and hence:

BRIAN'S FAULT.
Rofl.

Fucker gave me a tumor.

Tyler's birthday is in a couple weeks... you should all yap at him cuz he's spiff.

We have a patio! And it's got plants o_O

Savi0r show this weekend. GO....

-.- I am.
That cop in April was just fucking with me. There is no spoon  ticket. 
Hooray for Maternity leave going through!
Double hooray because Ty will be hear in a little less than three weeks -squeals like a schoolgirl-
I'm MOVING Tuesday :D finally.
and uh.
I'm really, really poor.
Poorer- than -poordom has gone before~~~~~
Surgery is the 2nd >_> =on my arm.
Reading Nietzche again.
(wootable)
Maybe someday I'll arise from my nightlife coma ^.~ maybe.

Accessory.

was.

FUCKING AWESOME.

O_O

There's a lot that went on, the whole day was a blur. Victor magically lost a guitar, David left the merch table... 5 4 3 oh well fuck it. Drove through the RED DAWN that is now our state (800+ fires) to SF... brilliant pizza, the bands were fantabulous. Not a huge crowd, but so many good names there it more than made up for the forty ish wallflowers we had. Savi0r got interviewed for Re-Gen, now one of the biggest industrial magazines (at least in the US....). Show was televised, will be on youtube soon. Holy crap. Dirk and Michael were so nice, albeit Dirk most definitely spoke the most English... chit chatted the whole night. Hung out, had fun. Eric was there too (from PS9, fyi), having story time with the crew haha. Potential AZ gig... the works. So flipping excited.

Album out in a little over a month- watch for release party.

o_o I've been with Tyler for a month.
Fuck me, it feels like longer. But in the good I'm-comfortable-with-you-around sort of way. He's goddamn amazing.. and a plague I can't get out of my head. Someone shoot me, it's too perfect...

<3